Why Monogamy???

With the unfortunate truth recently revealed about Wayne Rooney’s antics with a vice girl and not forgetting Mr Crouch and all the other footballers whom regularly grace our headlines I stumbled across a few contradictory articles that got me thinking (she says in true Carrie Bradsure from ‘Sex in the City’ style).

The first article that caught my attention was by an author, Holly Hill, who whilst publicising for her book revealed how her and her boyfriend allow each other permission to sleep with other people. To the point that they live together but have separate bedrooms so that they can entertain other people on certain nights. They agree that date nights are Monday, Wednesday and Friday and they have a few rules in place such as she asks him to end any encounter with women he begins to grow emotionally attached to and he forbids her to wear any clothes that he bought her for the men she sleeps with, by clothes I imagine she means sexy bedroom clothes.

And then I was captured by an article which disclosed that Angelina Jolie had,, over candle lit dinner, after rumours that Brad Pitt had had an affair with an air hostess disclosing, given him permission to sleep with other women. She apparently professed that she understands that it would be hard to resist if a beautiful lady were to offer herself to him and her rules were that he has her blessing to take them up on their offer but that he may only sleep with any other woman only once so that he is unable to grow any emotional feelings for them.
As well as a neighbouring article saying Lady Gaga had given her man permission to sleep with other women while she was on tour.

Having studied the social and biological differences between men and women I am firm on the belief that men are sexual creatures unlike women who are emotional creatures. It is easy for most women to go without sex but a man finds it very hard to control the urge as his body will keep reminding him. We have all heard the stories of married couples who after some time the wife doesn’t want to get “jiggy” and he starts feeling neglected and frustrated and low and behold he gets his “jiggyness” elsewhere. The result is that he is the bad guy who couldn’t keep it in his pants. Well many may be shocked that I, as a woman sympathetic to anyone who is not getting their needs met, think that he is not fully to blame. I think that women should accept that men are not like women, they can not go without sex, it is in their biological make up to have sex.

It is hard to determine whether women should pick up on the signs that her man needs some TLC instead of taking offence and saying things like “Is that all you want me for?” when he makes his approaches which she regularly shrugs off. Or is it the man who should communicate his needs to his woman more clearly? Surely if a man said to his woman “Babe I really need some sex and I would love to have it with you but if you don’t give it to me soon I am concerned I might seek it elsewhere” she would react with how single minded and pig headed he was and that she was more than just a walking talking sex machine to him. But the truth hurts and isn’t it best to be honest? She needs to be loved and cherished and he needs sex.

Men are SEXUAL creatures. They NEED sex and I think it is his woman’s job to keep him satisfied. He in return should make her feel loved and cherished. It obviously does not count for those men who are just ridiculous whores who’s motto is “Every hole is a goal” yes I have really heard those words come out of a man’s mouth back in my days as a door supervisor, in these cases it wouldn’t matter if the woman was constantly available to fulfil her man’s desires, he would still go elsewhere because it is not his sexual desire he seeks to fill but his lack of real inner self confidence and lack of self love that he subconsciously thinks he is filling through sleeping around with many different women.

Napoleon Hill quotes in his famous book “Think and Grow Rich” that “The emotion of sex has beneath it the possibility of three constructive potentialities, they are:
1.) The perpetuation of mankind.
2.) The maintenance of health, (as a therapy, it has no equal).
3.) The transformation of mediocrity into genius through transmutation.
Sex transmutation being the switching of the mind from thoughts of physical expression, to thoughts of some other nature.
Sex desire is the most powerful of human desires, so strong and impelling is the desire for sexual contact that men freely run the risk of life and reputation to indulge it, Desire cannot and should not be submerged or eliminated. But it should be given an outlet through forms of expression which enrich the body, mind, and spirit of man which may be used as powerful creative forces in literature, art, or in any profession or calling, including, of course, the accumulation of riches. If it is not transmuted into some creative effort it will find a less worthy outlet.”

As a product of society’s traditions I would of course prefer my man to keep himself for me only and I personally would want to be the one to look after my man when he needs some “sexy time“. I would use Napoleon Hill’s quote to preach to men that at times when their desires overcome them that they should use that desire as a creative expression to accumulate riches and willpower to hold it back until a time that is convenient that he should communicate his needs and express his desire with his own “Mrs“.

But now from reading the articles I explained previously my thoughts are in limbo with what I once so firmly believed was the secret to cheat proofing a relationship by being sure to look after your man’s needs. And so before I can decide I now question where the idea of monogamy originally came from??

There is a book written by Dr Cai Hua “A Society without Fathers or Husbands: The Na of China” which describes a few societies in Asia who deny or belittle the roles of fathers and husbands in their social system. Na brothers and sisters live their entire lives together sharing household responsibilities and raising the women's children. They prohibit incest and practice a system of night time encounters at the woman's home. The woman's partners, as she frequently has more than one, bear no economic responsibility for her or her children, as "fathers," unless they resemble their children, and remain unidentifiable. The study shows how it is possible that a society can function healthily without husbands or fathers and they consider our society backwards.

So I ask again where did Monogamy within our society come from? If some men have proven that they can easily sleep with several women, it would make sense that it originated from women who have fought for the sacredness of sex between her and her husband? Or was man a willing participant in the belief and life style? But there are religions where women are covered from head to toe to keep themselves sacred for only their husbands eyes, so was monogamy man’s or religion’s idea?

There are many relationships who partner swap, swing and give permission for their partner to hire prostitutes to fill their sexual desires. PR guru, Max Clifford debates that many men who pay for sex look at it like a business agreement who regard it as physical exercise and relief and separate to meaningful relationships involving emotions. It is possible that because the excitement or sneaking around, the chase and doing what you are not supposed to be doing is the real reason why some men cheat and that once given permission the lustre for the urge disappears? Most men who cheat usually say they still love their wife very much which is proof that men are capable of separating emotional and physical desires.

I am not of course excluding women as cheats from the equation but it is usually the case that the woman needs to feel emotionally attracted to a man before she is able to feel sexually attracted to him and it is often true that women who cheat in relationships have long term affairs rather than short flings as they grow more and more emotionally attached to the man usually seeking emotional chemistry that her committed relationship is failing to give her anymore. So it would be fair to say that anyone who cheats in a relationship is doing it because they are seeking something that their current relationship is no longer giving them, whether it be sexual or emotional needs and desires.

Esther Vilar received death threats from her book “The Manipulated man” where her comical theory that women manipulate men to be their slaves, to go to work to pay to keep her and her children in exchange for keeping the home and offering herself to him when he desires. But Esther’s theory does not work out fair if the woman is not regularly on offer to her man? Plenty of feminists would argue that women do not need men to keep and provide for them but if you look back to the cave times you will see that man and woman did need each other. The man went out to hunt for meat and the woman, as the gatherer, gathered fruit and cared for the children and cared for her man on his return. Man would also protect his family from beasts. So without modern society in our natural make up this was how it worked. But were their relationships monogamous? Or did they all have a swap and change in the darkness of their caves?

A friend pointed out to me that the desire for sex is the body’s way of telling us to make babies. The modern day woman is attracted to a man who is bigger than herself as a sign that he is strong and able to protect and provide for her and their children, like the cave man used to do, and men are attracted to women with a womanly curvy body and nice meaty breasts but what men don’t realise, probably because the blood has rushed from his heads down to another member of his body at that point, is that he is attracted to a skinny waist as it makes the hips look broader and more accommodating for childbearing and big breasts are more appealing as they are more than capable than feeding the children that she bares for him. Scary isn’t it? That our sexual urges are actually urges to procreate. Maybe this explains the men who sleep around as they are going around spreading their seed like many of the worlds creatures do. Fish go around spraying and fertilizing any eggs he finds laying at the bottom of the sea and birds stay monogamous for one mating season. When watching the animal documentaries it is apparent that courtship and approaches are the male’s responsibility.
There was an interesting discussion in the final ultimate big brother house When Victor argued how human’s were one of the only species who is expected to stay monogamous and almost all other species simply go around doing their thing.

Is this why many men and women seek “chemistry” with another, a sexual chemistry before they believe that they have found ‘The One’? because selfishly being satisfied with the chemistry they imagine they would be capable of having sex with only that “One” person for the rest of their lives. Does this chemistry ever last? When screaming babies, financial struggles, day to day stresses and each others annoying little habits begin to grate on them and they see them in a different light where the chemistry finds it a hard job to surface. Committed relationships do need a lot of work and it is obvious the bedroom antics are an important one to keep an eye on in order to save a wandering eye from either party.

It is indeed a very interesting debate as I am sure you will agree and food for thought. Has society made us believe that we should keep sex within a relationship sacred? or is it simply a matter of whatever works best for the individuals and consent to open sexual relationships works best for some? Maybe the idea of allowing meaningless sex outside a relationship is the real secret to a happy relationship? Or is the key effective communication of the need to have our desires met and our partner’s willingness to fill them?

I don’t know! but one thing I am concrete on is that men are sexual creatures and if I want to keep my man from straying away from home, however emotionally meaningless it may be, I intend to try me best to satisfy and maintain his desires for myself, thank you very much.